Archives for June 2015

Life after divorce

No one enters into marriage planning a divorce, at least no one I know. When the marriage doesn’t work individuals are left with hurt feeling, probably bitter, and feeling war torn. But how long should those feeling last, and should you let these feeling influence your attitude towards future relationships and the institution of marriage itself?
I think if you are that person who has been so damaged by the divorce process that you can no longer trust another, therapy may be needed. Everyone is different, and the fact that your marriage did not work is not a reflection of the process or institution itself, it’s a reflection of you and the individual you were married to. Marriage as an institution is a beautiful thing; it’s about two people loving each other, committing to each and taking care of each other. Yes, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but again this is not because marriage as a concept is bad. I will concede that the court system is screwed up, the lawyers are on the take and the spurned ex spouses are hell, BUT the system only does what we ask it to do, lawyers work for us and not the other way around. We ultimately control the direction that our divorce process takes. We make the decision on how much we want to fight and what we think is worth fighting for.
You must look at yourself and ask, what was my contribution to my failed marriage and divorce? It take two, there are two sides to the story and each will tell it differently. Only after facing the reality of your shortcoming and the reality that issues are a part of life and marriage can you be healed to move one to the next phase. So don’t let your passion and emotional health be destroyed by this one event in your life….life is too short to be spent being bitter. Staying angry hurts you, not the person you are divorced from. As a matter of fact, the ex-spouse has won if he or she has succeeded at keeping you angry and keeps you away for developing and maintaining a new caring and loving relationship; that’s exactly what they don’t want you to have as you move on with your life.
I say live life to the fullest, move on from your divorce and let yourself love again!

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Bad marriages and the kids

I have heard many people say regardless of how bad marriages are couples should stay in it for the kids as they need and deserve to be in a two parents household. Frankly, I disagree. being in a miserable household where the two parents are fighting all the time or are simply not affectionate doesn’t model what marriages is for the kids, let alone what a good marriage should look like, and it’s important for kids to see this.
If for whatever reason the marriage no longer works and both people are miserable, in my opinion it’s best for the children to have two happy, sane and loving parents living apart than two bad behaving adults living together. Again by separating, we are modeling how conflicts can be resolved in a mutually agreed up manner.
My marriage disintegrated and was dysfunctional for years, when I finally ended it, one of my children asked, “what took you so long.”
I was surprised that this question was asked. Children are observant, they are living the marriage just as we are, and if we are miserable, chances are they are too.
Adults need to realize when a marriage is over, accept that it is over, separate and be mature adults about the process. A marriage is a contract and partnership between two people, and just as some contracts and partnerships should be dissolved so should some marriages.
Don’t get me wrong, parents should do all they can to rehabilitate their marriages, however when all attempts have failed, it can mean it’s time to pull the plug, and that can be best for all including the children.

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